Monday, August 23, 2004

Saturday, August 21 st, 2004
Good evening…
Majid traveled to Amman this morning, he will remain there until the time to take his plane to Canada, at the beginning of September… I was not in favor of his going to Canada to study; he is still young, in years and experience, for he will be 18 years old in October, by the will of God. I was hoping he would finish his University studies here, like his brothers, then go abroad to finish his higher education elsewhere...but the scholarship he received was too much of an opportunity, which he wanted, and held to. I didn't agree, but the miserable conditions here forced me to comply, and agree.
I prayed all goodness and success for him, wherever he was...I asked God to keep him safe, and surround him by angels and righteous people, wherever he goes. To safe keep all my sons, and grant them success, whether I was alive, or dead...
I believe this is the prayer of every mother on earth for her children... Hearts are similar, the loving is one. Amen.
He took suitcases of his summer and winter clothes, his personal Laptop, a variety of C.D's, and a copy of the Holy Quran I gave him two years ago in Ramadan.
My life will be dismal without him, but a mother's heart endures pain, for the sake of seeing happiness on her children's faces.
So, these are the ways of the world. How much did my mother cry for my absence, many long years ago? As if I am paying a debt today, tasting the bitterness of my parting from Majid.
I wish he would study, and be successful always, then return to be of benefit to Iraq, and the Iraqis, some day…somehow.
Tomorrow I will get back to work…
The employees called me, threatening a strike if I remain holed up at home. The shop was gloomy without you, they said, and I smiled…who could guarantee himself to remain forever? I shall depart this world one day, and all those who love me shall be depressed. But, as long as I am alive, I have to contribute to it, that's how it goes, or else, I shall die of dullness and distress.
The parable says: A Strike that doesn't kill you, perhaps will make you stronger… Praise is to GOD, I feel stronger and more solid than I was before…I ask GOD for support and success.
Tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting at the Women Society, at the Project Studying Committee, where we submit proposals for small productive projects, like a Tailoring workshop, or a Bakery, to employ Iraqi women, and support Iraqi families. Such activities makes me happy, gives a meaning to my life, gives me a sprint forwards, and keeps me happy, smiling, and active all day long. They make me forget my sorrows, forget about thieves, murderers, and destructors. I keep running, thinking of a shiny, beautiful tomorrow, that will undoubtedly come one day… It will come, and the sun will rise after darkness and clouds. *************************

And I see Baghdad just like me, binding her wounds every morning, and rising again… This is how she learned, after so many experiences and calamities…for thousands of years, and she keeps dreaming: Some pretty time is surely coming, carrying a lot of joy with it…

I would like to thank all who wrote to me in my ordeal, and consoled me.A lot of American women readers say they were subjected to similar experiences in their lives…and that made me smile, and feel stronger against the disasters of the new thieves of Baghdad, as if there were some scum hiding below the ground, who now went crazy and spread, like locusts.In every city in the world there are thieves, murderers, and criminals, especially the big, crowded cities. But the devastation that afflicts societies after wars, and the chaos that prevails, are some of the painful results of these wars. Not merely dead, wounded, orphans and widows, but classes of unemployed people who easily turn into criminals, thieves, and murderers. How many years do we need to control them?When we read the French history after the Bastille revolution, we see destruction and chaos, then in Russia, after the fall of the Tsar, and the Bolshevik revolution, the devastation and chaos, and here is history, repeating itself again, in an ugly way in Baghdad… and whoever decides to remain and be patient…pays a high price…he pays from his comfort, security, and peace of mind, for himself and his family, pays from his nerves and health. For this daily fear and anxiety is the reason of suddenly-occurring diseases, making lives shorter, and worries are the main reason of mishaps that blow the happiness of people away, making them live in a daily hell that exhausts their life away.
Every society is like a fabric… a fabric containing many colors, and various embroideries, creating a harmony with each other some way, and coexisting, in spite of contradictions.Iraq is one of these colorful, contradicting societies.During the past ages, and during the time of Saddam Hussein, there was a form of quiet in this fabric…in spite of the dictatorship, the intelligence and security offices, the party, and other forms of disasters, but the society had easily-distinguished ingredients. From one sentence of speech or two, you could evaluate the person in front of you, whether he belongs to Saddam's chorus or not, and thus you can talk and set the course of conversation. If he belonged to Saddam's group, then you should be careful in your choice of words and expressions. If he was independent, and not connected, then you could be at ease with him, talk the way you like, IF you trusted him. For 35 years, this was the rhythm of the Iraqis life here, they acclimatized, learned how to manage their daily lives. With or against Saddam, this was the life here…and thus was the fabric.
But today, one year and four months after the occupation, and the fall of the previous state, the fabric has been ripped in a stunning way… What these months accomplished in devastation goes beyond what 35 years of dictatorship, injustice, and darkness has done.Those who used to get near the power seat of Saddam Hussein would usually get burned up… Today, there is fire everywhere, burning all Iraqis, as if there was a curse cast over this land and its people. If you survived the bombing, perhaps you won't survive a trapped car, and most probably will not survive a stray bullet, or a stray missile, or a gang of murderers… the sources are a plenty… the victims are the Iraqis. Hospital wards are full of Iraqi corpses, Police and Army men, civilians, young men, children and women, all the victims of a daily violence which no one has the power to stop. Who can believe the Iraqis have become the enemies of each other during these short months?? And why??? And who intended for this outcome to look like a phenomenon to the outside world?… Look at these people, an enemy of themselves, killing each other, no one was spared from violence, Sunni or Shi'iee, Muslim or Christian, Ba'athi or Independent, rich or poor, old or young… Is this really the Iraqi People? Those who live in far away countries, would perhaps believe that, because they did not know us beforehand… And those who live here ask each other bitterly: Since when Iraqis became enemies??? Weren't we brothers, neighbors, and lovers? Who was it that lit the fire and burned us, saying- look at those fools, what are they doing???
I do not like talking in Politics… What does it mean to talk in Politics?Perhaps some arguments, and useless debating…some babbling, loss of time and nerves. Very well, but talking about our daily lives IS a compulsory talk about politics, and I live here, my pulse is the pulse of our daily lives, at home, on the street, work place, society, …etc…. and I carry the responsibility of clarifying the picture of what is happening to us here everyday… Because people outside Iraq, I mean at the Al-Ruwaishid Jordanian Boarder gate, no longer hear anything about Iraq but rumors and contradictory talk, so how about someone living in Europe, America, Australia, or elsewhere???I do not like clapping to anyone, or adulation, and I don't like denying what is right, or hiding the good deeds…. Who is the fool who wouldn't want the best for his country and people??? We all wish the best for Iraq, clinging to a stick of hay, like a drowning man, to find away out of this hell…. But I do not like deception…deceiving my self or others….I do not like dragging people to illusions, and illusions… I speak about reality as it is….and I do not stop dreaming about a better tomorrow…and exert all my efforts to contribute in fulfilling this beautiful dream… And I have to speak about what is happening in the Iraqi street these days… this is my responsibility in front of my GOD, and my readers… I like to talk truthfully, so as to keep the people's trust in me, and their respect to me. I have no interests…I only want the interest of the weak, beaten Iraqis, and I am one of them.
Fighting and blood… this is our diary. The Iraqi blood is a plenty, always the cheapest. I always wonder about this madness, and who is responsible for it?? Who decides fighting Al-Sadder, or bombing Fallujah and Al-Najaf?? Does the orders come from Washington, or the Conference Palace here??? Where is all this fecklessness about our daily lives, and the people's souls coming from? … Every day, hundreds of innocent Iraqis fall dead…the civilians who were walking down the streets when they were killed by stray bullets, or missiles among some gangs fighting for the trivials of this mortal world… what harm did that Iraqi commit??? Who protects him, and cares about him?? The occupation forces??? Or the new government??? They seem to be in agreement that the priority is always for eliminating the resistance, by the military means, and let however much of victims fall, the most important thing is winning, gaining seats or posts or any other trivial matter, and let Iraqis fall like flies around a table laden with dirt.This is what became of the appearance of Iraq and the Iraqis…a dirty table, flies falling, and fools fighting.
Why does the occupation force choose the worst ways to solve problems??? The worst and the most bloody. If there was any kind of respect to the Iraqi human, his suffering, his losses, they would have stopped and hesitated a thousand times before issuing any instructions… as they do in America, with their own people…But here is not America…here is the land of battles, blood, and violence, and the most cruel and fierce will be the winner, so, cheer the hero, and put the laurel wreath on his head, but bring him some water and soap to wash blood stained hands, from the blood of Iraqis…. Kill them all, and drag them all into battles, Army, Police, and civilians, it doesn't matter; make them face each other in the confrontations…. If we are to raise the state of democracy here some day….what seems to be the harm?? Let the 25 millions extinct, so some 5 millions of them, or less would remain, those who would agree with the occupation forces, and clap for it, then help it to erect the state of freedom and democracy….after erecting high mountains of skulls, of those Iraqis who fell down……
With all the daily killings and destruction, there is a conference going on at the Conference Palace, to elect a temporary Iraqi Parliament. Why this timing???There are battles going on in Najaf, Baghdad, and Fallujah, and a conference awaited by Iraqis to be the beginning of a new road, the road of learning, of contributing in manufacturing the democratic experiment. But it seems like the occupation forces do not want the majority of people to join in, but only certain samples. They want these to start the marching, then stick to the seats for long years to come, in spite of the noses of all miserable Iraqis….The conference is held under strict security measures…and the Iraqis are under hell of fighting, blood and violence….This is our daily life…. Thanks to all who helped in making it this way, and thanks to all who came to help us to live this daily happiness.
I have friends in America, who are dreamy, bearing good intentions to Iraqis. They look upon our daily events then explain them according to their Media analysis. I do not want them to be angry, or think I am forging lies and exaggerations, nor deny the good things… I put my right hand over my heart, and swear that I'll be happy if I see a good, helpful deed, done by the occupation forces to the Iraqis… I will not deny it, I will raise the American flag, clap, and say: Long live America, the friend of wronged people. But I want to see the evidence…An evidence in our daily lives, not in the romantic, imaginary stories shown on the Internet, nor in E-Mail messages from unknown soldiers, prophesying a paradise in the hell of Iraq…I receive messages from American soldiers, saying he works in an Iraqi town, he will not mention its name for reasons of secrecy, that they are accomplishing wonderful deeds and projects, and the residents are very co-operative and happy… I send a reply that I cannot believe, please give me the name of such a place to visit, to see with my own eyes the happiness and paradise the residents there are living in, so I could write about them here, feel happy, and make the whole world happy with me… I need just a glimmer of light to give me hope, confidence, and happiness… but the soldier disappears, without an answer…. Was he fooling me? Was he looking for propaganda ?I do not know… I am very confused, very much in need to see with my own eyes that who builds a small spot housing happiness for the Iraqis, to become an example for a start, a model to take the lead... so we might hopefully reach the road of sun shine we have been seeking for along time....
I wish we could switch places, me and my American friends, for some years to come... so we would go, me and my family, to live in their houses, their cities, my children would go to their schools... and they would come here, to taste the taste of life with the occupation forces... to feel, everyday, the amount of destruction penetrating into their lives... I could be mistaken….so, come here, be in our shoes, in our clothes, and live our lives… then we would send letters to you from America, asking: How is everything going???You will say: Life is cruel…we will say – Be patient.You will say: It is like hell….we will say – Sacrifices will have to be made.We will stand against every complaint, and make fun of it… then we will say you are monsters, fools who do not know how to behave. Do you understand more than our government, and its leaders?? They are doing all they can for your happiness, and you are just a bunch of ungrateful idiots…Our sons and daughters are in your country, making sacrifices, but you do not deserve it. We shall spend our days working, shopping, in vacations, visiting friends, birthday parties, and everything nice and happy… you shall spend your lives deprived from the simplest daily necessities, to come and go about safely. We will tell you: You can't make an Omelet without breaking more eggs. But you will cry: But these are human souls, not just eggs and shells and oil and frying pans… We would say, so what? Weren't you under the rule of Saddam Hussein, killing you, torturing you by his wish… and you would say: But America has come…America with the Mercy and Justice, so where are they??? And we would laugh and jeer…telling ourselves: Oh my God, how boring, disturbing, stubborn, and impatient these Iraqis can be???***********************************

Translated by May \ Baghdad.

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