Saturday, January 31, 2004

Monday – January 26

This morning, before I went to work, I checked my emails and found 7 letters all asking about Raed- was he ok? I didn't understand… what was happening?

I went back and checked his page on the internet and found he had written some very depressed thoughts. I sighed deeply and put a hand on my cheek and sunk for a few moments of deep depression- I understood why those people had sent those concerned letters.

Of course by 'jump…jump' he meant he wasn't settled… jumping from one job to another and from one state to another in his life. Apparently, some people thought he might 'jump' from the roof of a building.

I said, "Oh God, not again!" Ever since he graduated from college, he goes through this phase almost every six months. Of course, I live it with difficulty and pain because he won't let anyone get involved. He wants to weather his experiences alone and I'm afraid he'll do something extreme…
like commit suicide… or take drugs… or some other catastrophe. By the time the emotional trauma is over, I've usually spent all of my energy in coping and being patient and I can feel the signs of emotional breakdown. I hide in the house and don't want to see anyone… no one sees me.

In other words, he heals and the 'virus' transmits to me- the virus of depression… and a question poses itself- what is the meaning of my insignificant life? I think we're all prone to that- even when we stay strong in front of other people and hide that weakness. Now that I think of it,
sometimes while laughing energetically and saying something like, "When I'm depressed…" people will interrupt me laughing with the words, "You? Depressed? That's impossible!" So I wonder… why? They say to me- you're always strong and cheerful- nothing can shake you! "What?! Superman?! Idiots…" I mutter to myself and remain silent.

I ask myself again, why is it that a person's life seems like the lifecycle of some creature? Like, for example, the lifecycle of a butterfly or a bug or a worm- simply different stages that repeat themselves mechanically… no intelligence or leap over one of the stages.

The beginning is always an innocent child… then a tiresome adolescent… then a tiresome and ambitious young adult… then a mature man… then an old man full of experience and wisdom- the problem is that no one listens to him, especially the children and grandchildren. They find his stories tedious and laughable, and he can't abridge their idiotic stage- they'll do it all… like a dose of antibiotics… the whole course. Until the patient is cured and signs of health show upon them.

We call this rejection and lack of perception the "generation gap"…. But I suggest we call it the "gap of idiocy and strife"…

If the difference in points of view is due to age or generation then I wonder- our parents were uneducated and we graduated from universities, but we always used to respect and fear them. Our diplomas never stopped us from appreciating their effort and or feeling grateful- even after they died.

The kids of this generation, on the other hand, largely have educated parents… but the children are rebellious and disobedient… their appreciation for fathers and mothers is much less than what their parents deserve. I also noticed that the children of more financially modest families are more obedient and respectful of their families' opinions. Apparently the more entities a person has in their life, the less sacred certain entities become. It's as if something disturbs the radar that is responsible for clearing one's mind and helping them know their priorities.

What I mean is that so long as someone has only home and studying, they can be committed and devoted to them both. As soon as other factors appear- like working for organizations or using the internet- the daily schedule becomes crowded and the commitment becomes less intense… it's the same with societies. It's like a mother who develops a person until their life becomes more independent and further away from their family and relatives… I see the symptoms of that generally showing on us and I don't like being distant from warm relations. They are the sanctuary of a person during
troubling times… but I like the activity of work- it lightens the load of cumbersome people- whether relatives or strangers.

[ translated by River Bend]

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