Saturday, May 01, 2004

Saturday 1/5
Today is Labour Day. I went to work. We at the private sector don't stay at
home at such holidays unlike the public sector.
I spent most of yesterday evening doing the house chores. I decided not to
listen to news to avoid feeling bad?. Then I wrote a piece on our days
before the war and I didn't publish its translation on the blog. I felt
tired so I went to bed.
This morning one of my employees asked me what I thought of the pictures of
the Iraqi prisoners and what was done to them?I told him that I don't know
anything about that...
Then I opened my email and found emails from American friends apologizing
about what happened. I still don't get it?
They said you must be mad and you didn't translate your last article because
it was cursing the Americans. My article said nothing about it?.
I called that employee and asked him: will you please tell me what
I opened the BBC site and read?
Then the CNN site and I read?.
I closed the sites, and sank into deep thinking.
Two customers came in. They were working for the local council of some
district in Baghdad. I asked them to tell me frankly about their work, their
authorities, and their achievements?.
I want you to be frank and not to tell me some nice diplomatic replies or
cover up the truth.
They smiled and hesitated. Then they said they receive death threats daily.
I told them: that's fine, we hear about this everyday, but what did you
achieve to convince the regular citizen that you are working for his
He said: We rehabilitated the schools at our area. (Read Raed's comment on
I said: great, what about the daily problems; the thieves and the security?
He said that that's out of his authorities, and that it's in the hands of
the Americans.
I said: get some pressure on him, tell him that you'll arrange neighborhood
watch by the citizens and reconstruct the civil society. He said that they
refuse that any Iraqi should hold any weapon and if any Iraqi was caught
holding a weapon he gets arrested. Ok, but what about the thieves? Who
arrests them and where do they go? He said: We arrest them and handle them
to the Iraqi Police and the Americans come and ask them to release the
He does that gesture of spreading his hands and turning the palms upwards
reflecting that things are completely out of his hands?"I don't know" he
said. Then where are your authorities? He laughed and said that he doesn't
have any. I just give notes and the Americans either approve or dismiss it.
When we argue with them they get mad and say they are holding the budget and
spending it the way they like. Where is the "spirit of sharing
There is none?.
It's their call?
"Look sister" he said to wrap things up. "Don't bother yourself. All cards
are mixed and no one knows who the enemy is and who the friend is."
I laughed and said that that's exactly what I want to know about.
Who has interests in mixing things up like this?
They laughed and said:" listen, few days ago an Iraqi professor who had just
arrived to Baghdad told us not to argue with him and that all he wanted was
to find an American soldier on a tank so he can go and kiss his boots
because that soldier is more honorable than all Iraqis."
I said: take him to fulfill his dream and I wish the soldier steps over him,
maybe he'll wake up.
Just like how Saddam stepped over those who placed their bets on him and
worshipped him? day.
I came home burning with rage because of that dumb university professor. How
many like him are there in Iraq?
Cards are mixed.
I receive about 150 emails every week. I agree to meet with any reporter who
wants to interview me. Most reporters are Brits or Americans. But there's a
somehow universal measures most people around the world agree on no matter
what was their nationality or religions: right and wrong, beautiful and
ugly, good and evil. Then I receive an email so full of spite from an Iraqi
living abroad after he ran away from Saddam's regime. He claims that I'm
Sunni, Baathist, and a spy against the Iraqi people.
Ok?..All that at once?
My answer: I'm a Shia, I was never in the Baath party?and I really like this
spy thing..
They usually come up with large files and documents incriminating the spy
then a sick jerk like this comes and accuses me with all this to scare me?
First I was mad then I thought about it and felt sad for him. A loser who
knows nothing about me, full of spite and ignorance, and is just eager to
find someone to throw his hate at.
I think this is the mind set of a suicide bomber who is ready to kill
everyone. Because he's blind in his heart and it makes him stupid and an
easy target for those scouting for human bombs to kill the innocents. I wish
there is a medication to remove spite and evil out of people's hearts.
I felt disgusted and frustrated. Why do I stay here???
Why don't I leave and enjoy my time away from this shattered country?
I have an apartment in Amman where I can live like a queen and leave this
world of lies, ignorance, screams and stupidity behind my back.
I feel so tired. I feel like I'm yelling to tell the truth in a yard full of
people shouting louder than me to tell lies.
Everything is just disgusting. What's the point in staying here?? Why should
I care??
I leave the decision to God?..If He wants me to leave then I will.
I'm waiting for any sign in the next couple of days.
I came home and asked Khalid about the Iraqi prisoners' scandal and whether
he knew about it. He said: of course, Raed and I wrote about it. Why didn't
you tell me? He said: you shouldn't watch such scenes mama.
I got madder.
I saw Khalid opening the sites to show Azzam the pictures. I stood watching
them from a distance and felt more sick. That's not important, better than
staying ignorant and uninformed.
I remembered the stories I heard about Americans torturing and mistreating
male and female prisoners and I remember myself saying that those were just
lies and exaggerations. Americans are decent and they don't do things like
that. Maybe Saddam Hussien would do such things to the Iraqi people, but not
the American army. I remembered the Iraqi professor from Germany who wants
to kiss Americans' shoes. I remembered the mortars that fell on the prison
few days ago injuring and killing prisoners? Were they connected?
I remembered the new Iraqi flag?White and blue?Colors of the Israeli flag?
Is everything happening spontaneously?
Is there someone deliberately making fun of us and spitting on our faces day
and night??
I remembered my American friends' advice that I shouldn't be angry. I wish
they came and lived here, and have a daily life of worries and fear. Then
they would see such pictures and listen to the conflicting reports about
what's happening in Falluja and Kufa.
What would they do?
Would they cry and spend their days sad and sobbing?
Or will they be angry and spend the rest of their lives being mad??
Or will they pack their bags and leave a country that has got no more
reasons for anyone to stay in it?
Or will they stand and try defending what's right like the foolish Faiza is
What's the point??? What's the point in doing anything in a world where lies
and fabrication reign??? A world that you don't think it deserves saying
that you are part of it.
This isn't Man's world anymore. This is the world of monsters and dirt.
May it go to hell.

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